Keeping Up

It's working! I'm happy I'm losing weight and I have kept my cool these past few weeks. Being positive and thinking positive really attracts more positivity in life. Life is short, I guess, and no matter what we do, whether we like it or not, good things as well as bad happen in our lives. The more important thing however, is what we do on what happens to us.

Papa and Tita came over last weekend to visit us. Our new manang also came along with them (since manang is already leaving to take care of his sick father). Actually nana is more appropriate since she is already 63 years old. Their visit was short because they had to bring home three derby cocks for my uncle back in the province. However short, I'd like to think that we made the best out of it. We had some fun watching videos of our Christmas and New Year celebrations as well as sharing jokes. It's always fun to bring out the human side of our parents, really.

When I was a child, I thought my parents were superheroes, that they never commit mistakes, that they don't feel anguish, becuase if they do, then they were not worth looking up to. As I grew up however, I realized how human they are, as I am. The more I realized that, the more I loved them, amid our imperfections and shortcomings. Indeed, maturity gives way to wisdom as time passes by.

My sister is also quite busy right now since it's examinations week at law school. She will be graduating this October and taking the bar in 2010. I know she can make it. She has big dreams and I pray she will achieve them in due time. I think our relationship becomes better and stronger each day. Even if we don't talk that much, I mean we don't say to each other what we normally say to our friends, but little gestures speak a lot. I love my sister. I hope she gets what she desires.

Mama already received confirmation of their 'forced' early retirement. She has been with her agency for more that 27 years already. She is sad but she already accepts the fact that she must let go. I believe her retirement from her agency will open new doors never imagined before.

As for me, I wanted to prepare my resume since last week but it has been put off several times. I believe the right time, the right opportunity and the right salary (:) will come. I know, the time will come.

Home Sweet Home

My family isn't perfect but I would love to bask in its imperfection...

I was rummaging through old files of mine to look for the resume I prepared when I was just a fresh graduate. I came upon a folder, a treasure chest of some sort, where I placed all the good memories of college life -- from my graduation programme, my all expenses paid trip to Bali, to my awards and recognitions received, personal drawings, pictures and my 'dream list' composed of 20 wishes, big and small. All these make me smile.

Included in this folder is an envelope containing the letters written to me by mama and my sister and my tita. Of course, I had the urge to read them once more after a long time. Life has not been easy for us, for me. It was indeed a roller coaster ride from being shortchanged by no less my high school rector, to having an inferiority complex come college (since I came from the province) and lots lots of confusion regarding my identity and sexuality. It was also in college that my lola (mama's mother) died. But, as I look back, I am thankful those things happened for now I am a better, stronger person.

Reading through the letters once again makes me glassy-eyed. It brings back the memories but more importantly, it makes me realize how blessed and loved I am. I love my family, despite everything. I will do anything to give that love back.

I miss the letters we write to each other. We usually communicate thru phone now. I just think that letters have a lasting impact and something which can be treasured as long as we live.

Indeed, it is always nice to be home.

The Impossible is Nothing

The long wait is finally over. My three-year contract with my present company ended last January 18, 2009. This means to say that I am no longer obliged to pay a bond amounting to P 200,000.00 should I decide to resign. I am free. At least I can now breathe easier, knowing that I can grab whatever better opportunities that come my way.

It's funny how events come to high highs and low lows. Just today, I received a call from a client thanking me for the assistance I extended her. It reminds me of a story in the Gospel where Jesus healed lepers but only one returned to thank him. It's always very rewarding to hear a simple thank you from a client. Also today, I received a complaint from a very difficult client. Imagine asking us to type no less than her complaint letter against us! Whoaaa, it's something nobody in his right mind will do. But I am confident we will surpass yet another challenge.

I am thinking of preparing my resume for online uploading. Maybe, someone will be able to match me with the right job. I am now prepared to face the world. It is a decision I make. It is my responsibility for myself. The world is my stage. I believe that the time is near, as soon as I open myself to the limitless possibilities of my being, of who I am and who I hope to become, together with my dreams and the desires of my heart, I believe that I will find my place in the greater scheme of things.

I am now ready to love and be loved. I now accept who I really am.

Moving On

I attended our college community homecoming last night, hoping against hope that I can find closure to a long muted relationship. The community has grown, double our number when I was a graduating student. It is always nice to see people you have spent years of your life with again. It is also nice to meet new members of the community. Memories do come back in a rush and it feels good. For some, there is a lot of catching up to do.

But times do change. And people do change in time. We said our hi's and hello's, we embraced, we had cordial exchanges and I was hoping. The night wore on with nothing much unusual. Till we bade goodbye, till I learned something, till the silence that dropped dead...

I didn't know what to feel. I was in a state of wonder. I tried to reject what I was feeling but it was strong enough to pierce into my heart. I had to accept it. I am hurt. But for what? I don't have any reason to feel this way. It was just that the time is up and I need to wake up and move on...Yes, it will only get better...

I hope that we find the happiness we desire...

Roller Coaster

It's been a roller coaster ride these past few days, well, maybe roller coaster is an exaggeration. It's somewhere along that line anyway. I had my share of high moments as well as low ones. I got a grade of 100 or 1 in my most hated course in my masteral studies; I argued with the head of another unit in our office because of offending remarks regarding the way we do our operations; my business director talked to me regarding a possible transfer and promotion; I had to meet deadlines as school requirements piled up; manang wants to go home since her father is badly sick...

What to do but to let go and let be. Tomorrow will be Lolo's ninth death anniversary. He died when I was still in high school. It was a sad moment for us becuase I saw how sickness overcame his whole being. It was indeed a difficult moment especially for my mother, the unica hija...

Random thoughts really. I just wanted to share... I'm rather sleepy now after a long day of work and meetings...

"Separation seem final in the context of time but when time gives way to eternity-- all things will be revealed: that separation is merely temporary for those who possessed love."

(quoted from Dr. Morales, one of my university professors).

Being Thin & The Secret

I had a discussion with my parents (thru phone) early this morning about my weight. Frankly, I am almost 300 pounds or maybe even beyond that. The last time I checked on my weight was around third quarter of last year and I already weighed a whooping 290 pounds. Since then, I became bigger...

Wheeww, I really really need to lose weight and stay healthy. Our family medical history is not that encouraging. With relatives diagnosed with hypertension and diabetes, I may fall into the trap if I don't do anything. As of my last check-up, everything is still normal but the values are already verging to abnormal, huh?

Anyway, I promised myself to really stick to a weight loss plan and be firm with my resolve to be thin and live a healthy lifestyle. I have done it in the past (lost more than 20 pounds in three months) and I know I can do it again. Why did I fail given the encouraging results? Stress. I think I blame it all on stress and I won't commit the same mistake. Good thing I got a copy of "The Secret" last Christmas and it made me see things with new eyes once again.

Positive thoughts; thoughts become things; follow your bliss; the universe is a genie; the universe conspires to give you what you consciously or unconsciously desire...and a lot more. This is really a good watch and a good read (for book lovers).

Etcetera

I really had a challenging day today. I was hoping today will be a better day than yesterday. With almost 900 transactions and bulks of cash, we finished around 7:30 in the evening, two hours beyond our regular office hours. Today is no different. We almost reached the 800th mark with our transactions thanks to an early enrollment of a nearby school. To top it all, I was short of P 1,500.00 after I helped out ease the load from our tellers. Wheeww, there goes a week's food supply - down the drain. When it rains, it pours!

The 11-day holiday really got the nerves out of the banking public. Everybody is rushing to pay their bills, beating deadlines for their loan amortizations and funding check issuance. In days like this, you wish to have a relaxing massage to soothe all your joints and muscles which I didn't get anyway.

I am starting to think when will I ever get to change the course of my career, maybe something more creative and not as routine and mechanic as my current job. Frankly, I am stressed everyday but I always try to keep my cool, if I can. Anyway, my 3-year contract with my company ends on the 19th. I'll probably stay put for awhile until better opportunities come my way. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.



By the way, thanks to Thomas Edison for inventing the bulb...if not for him, the world will be totally dark.

Desired Things

Here is one of my favorite literary pieces. Desiderata is Latin for "Desired Things." Its authorship has been disputed for sometime until it was finally attributed to Max Ehrmann, a poet and lawyer from Indiana. Click on the image to view full text.

Finding Me by JaKe

I lay lifeless
in deep sadness
Where have I been?
Where shall I begin?

I gaze at the stars
looking for Mars
Or is it Venus I see
Beyond this desolate sea?

I stare at myself
Looking at me
Where have I been?
Where shall I begin?

I'm Going Home

I woke up early today...and immediately telephoned my mother to check if she's already home. Sigh. She came over for the holiday season. It has been a long time since we spent time together...I no longer go home to our province during the holidays due to work. I also hate lining up at the bus terminal. It's always jam-packed with people during peak season. But I do go home in the province at least once a year, usually during my mandatory leave.

I hate goodbyes. It is only now that I realize that. Mama had tears streaming in her eyes when we bade goodbye to each other. It will be long before we see each other again. Although we call each other (my sister lives with me, both my parents are in the province) at least twice a week, it's still different when they are physically present. Papa will also be coming over next month.

My sister and I are used to be separated from our parents since we were small. Every summer, we always visit our aunt here in Manila and stay with her for two months until classes begin. Since there were no cellphones yet, they used to call us every Wednesday thru long distance calls. We were always very excited of Wednesdays.

Come high school, I was totally separated from my parents and sister save for some vacations. Maybe due to practice, thanks for our yearly visits in Manila, I never felt homesick. Looking back, it was indeed difficult to be separated at a tender age of 12. I should have grown with my family beside me. Sometimes, I felt I didn't belong anymore; not that they didn't love me, they do, it's just that I no longer know their story, I was no longer part of their day-to-day living, I was a stranger in my own family. I no longer knew them, they no longer knew me. My family isn't perfect, but I would love to bask in its imperfection.

At 24, I have a lot of dreams for my family. I really have to make up for lost time. Life is short...

A Sojourn to Life

It's 12:00 AM on my clock, officially ending January 1, 2009. I am hopeful and expectant this new year, with lots of things that I would like to do and be. This is the beginning of my sojourn to life, as temporary as it is, life is still worth living...