What The Heck

262 lbs, that's my weight as of today, May 23, 2009. It fell short of my 250 lbs goal but what the heck, I lost 34 lbs in 5 months...not a small feat :)

I really have a lot of catching up to do as I didn't have that much mood to write about my life for a while. It has been over two months since I posted something in this blog. But what the heck, it's better late than never :)

Three days to go and I'll be taking my oral exams in the DFA. I'm more excited than nervous, I am not really that prepared, in fact, I haven't prepared at all. But what the heck, if this is for me, so be it. If not, then, there are a lot more things to do in life. As of now, I am undecided. I am just excited of the idea that I am taking the final phase of the most dreaded government exam, and this is something I will always cherish for as long as I breathe. Life is too short to dwell on the what ifs. It's better to accept what is and move forward to what now.

As for my promotion to manager, I think I will have to be more patient about it. Our region head is in a one month vacation so I will have to wait until he comes back before my promotion will be endorsed to the Board Executive Committee. But what the heck, a few more weeks won't hurt. I'm happy with where I am now, I'm happy with the people I work with, I'm happy with my accomplishments for the past three months that I have been branch head, I'm happy that I am losing weight and finally accepting the real me. I am happy about life because there is much for all of us.

As for my love quest, again, I think I will have to be more patient about it. I know the right person will come. I have dreamed about V a few nights ago and the feelings were just so real. I'm missing V and if given the chance again to catch up with lost time, I won't hesitate to be vulnerable and experience to love and be loved freely without the insecurities and boundaries. V's my first love and I think it never dies. I still love V, only, I have not been ready to accept that until now. Love is indeed blind, but what the heck, if we are for each other, then no matter what has happened for the past 5 years that we haven't really been together, no matter how many people we've been with and no matter how many experiences we've failed to share, everything will come full circle as we again hold each other's hands and finally say the words we haven't said for so long a time, "I love you."

As for my family, Mama's last day in office was yesterday, officially ending her 27-year government service. I am happy for her that finally she is moving on to a new chapter in her life. I wish her all the best. I'm also happy that Papa is supporting Mama in this. I know Papa is also happy that Mama is finally leaving office and will be having more time for our family business as well as for each other. As I grow older, it makes more sense to me that I really love my parents. As I grow older, I see how human my parents are, and the more I see that, the more I understand them. Maybe I am already at that stage in life that I also begin to see how they see things, to view the world as they perceive it. Let's talk about perspective. My sister is also happy. I am at that point where I want to give her all the freedom she wants, as long as she remains responsible for herself. She just celebrated their 3rd year anniversary with her boyfriend who is in Maldives. I don't actually approve of her boyfriend but what the heck, she loves him and as long as they love each other, that's what really matters.

I am happy that I am finally wiritng again. I'm happy, I just am...

Thank you Lord...

I Made It!

I made it! I passed the Written Exam part of the Foreign Service Examinations. I also submitted my promotion requirements to manager. What's next? There are a lot of positive things happening in my life right now and I believe the universe is finally rearranging itself in my favor as well as the people around me. Success, when really deserved and hard-earned, is as sweet as the drop that quenches a thirsting traveler.

I am happy that these things are happening in moments that I needed them most. Mama is finally resigning from her post officially ending a 27-year government service. She is now into the academe as a dean for HRM in one of the colleges in our province. Will I be the one entering government service after her? Only time will tell. My sister is also filing for her candidacy for graduation this October, at long last. My father's health is so far so good.

I am happy and finally I am being recognized for all the things I've done for my company. It is but a sweet reward for more than three years of service in my company. I am owning my new position as manager by April. I am also owning my new weight of 260 pounds by April. I am optimistic of the road ahead and I am hopeful of the many possibilities that may still come my way in the next days to come.

My only prayer is that for me to be given the grace of humility in all these things.

I am happy and I am grateful. It is indeed a life worth living.

Awakening

It's been quite a while since I updated this blog. Not much time really, or maybe, just have too many distractions to get me out of focus. It's been more than a week since I transferred to my new place of assignment. At long last, I am now branch head and I'm still adjusting to the new routine and new challenges that come my way. It has been a breeze so far and I hope things will always be on the positive side no matter what happens.

I'm more positive about things than ever. Even if I stray from my goals once in a while, I still manage to get my feet where they should be. Sometimes, it's almost as if my feet have brains of their own! Whoaa! But anyway, I'm still cramming to finish three papers for my masteral studies. Dude, I'm really way past deadline and I'm hoping my late submission will still be considered based on its merits? Mhmmm....

Time and again, I'm finding myself searching for something that will complete me. Cheesy as it may seem, it now is truer than ever. There's something within me that's longing for something or maybe someone. Maybe it comes with age or with some awakening, but my, I'm turning 25 this year and I really need a special someone to hug me close, to whom I can lean my head and say sweet nothings. Sigh. I hope that special someone will come to my life at the most opportune time. I really hope that all shall be well in due time.

As for my weight loss program, I'm gearing up to achieve my goal of 260 pounds by April. As of last weigh in, I'm 276 pounds, my weight when I graduated from college. The figures are encouraging and I have to stay focused no matter what. Discipline is a must even for the occasional calls of the flesh.

A lot of things really. I'm glad things are going well with me and my family. There is much to hope for in this world. What we only need to do is to open ourselves to the myriad of possibilities the universe offers.

I'm missing Lloyd.

Funny Yet Amusing

Staying focused. This, I think, is an effort on my part. February has been a breeze. This love month has been extraordinarily fast-paced with a lot of things happening here and there. I had no date last Valentines but I gave my sister gifts and roses. She was very happy to have received flowers on Valentine's Day for the very first time in her life! Quite funny but amusing just the same.

I finally saw my 5 year-old cousin from the US. He's cute and smart. I think it runs in the blood. :) Since my mother is an only child, I only have two cousins from my father's side. Our family is not as big as most average families. A grand reunion for us would mean only thirteen (13) people, imagine that! I hope my aunt and cousin enjoyed their short stay here. It was actually extended to one day since they missed their 1230 am flight last Feb 17. Again, quite funny but amusing just the same.

Work is different. I only have two days left in my current assignment since I will be transferring to another assignment as OIC. I'm not really good at goodbyes, sigh. Anyway, the past two weeks were really full of drama as we were deciding on possible manpower movements in our area. Painful decisions had to be relayed and violent reactions are normally expected. But now at least, my people are safe from "harm." After all the drama and the crying and the unnecessary coincidences, foolish remarks and actions even, it's all passed. Again, quite funny but amusing just the same.

I am thinking that my weight loss program is working. I am at my one and a half month period already. I am positive of changing my life in more positive ways than one.

That's it for now. As for my lovelife, I guess, I would have to settle for none at the moment. By the way, we have scheduled a branch outing in Palawan this June. I'm bringing my sister with me and she's so excited.

Stay focused.

Ebb & Tide

I was at Botolan Beach Point, Zambales last weekend together with my officemates and their families. We were 19 in all, including the children. It was a fun moment, the peace and serenity of the place was refreshing and a welcome break from the hustle and bustle of the metropolis. Of course, the company of friends is something that should be cherished.

It's a four hour drive from Manila via SCTEX, the newest toll highway that was inaugurated just last year. It's also quite interesting that the resort where we stayed was the location of a movie by Piolo and Regine. I now forget the title. But the movie was good, with some funny antics of Eugene Domingo and her rather amusing welcome anthem for 'Heaven Resort.'

We had a bonfire in the evening. The heavens lit up with stars so beautiful. Looking at certain stars bring back memories of my youth. I have one particular formation that belongs to my first true love. But of course, love for me then was just an attraction. The feeling was great but I suppose it was never meant to be. That night was also a night of some revelations and realizations about how I feel towards a certain person. I may just be imagining or worse hallucinating but I'd like to think the feeling's mutual. Again, as I rationalize things as they are, it will never work out. Honestly, I'm open to the idea, but nothing serious really.

So, after quite a while life for me has been like the ebb and tide of the sea. There was a point I was in the verge of giving up but thanks to a friend, her advice game me hope yet again. She now has a boyfriend and I'm happy for her. I just hope the guy deserves her. Anyway, my boss is retiring in June as well as another officer from our area. Due to this, there will be manpower movements and at long last, I'll be transferred as OIC of another branch. I'm being positive about my promotion to manager before my 25th birthday. My fingers are crossed.

But really, there are a lot of things I have to thank God for despite the minor downsides in life. Sunsets and sunrises happen everyday. Sometimes, we even fail to notice the beauty of God's creation. Once in a while, it is good to sit back, relax and just savor the goodness of it all Life is beautiful. This is one thing I know for sure.

Keeping Up

It's working! I'm happy I'm losing weight and I have kept my cool these past few weeks. Being positive and thinking positive really attracts more positivity in life. Life is short, I guess, and no matter what we do, whether we like it or not, good things as well as bad happen in our lives. The more important thing however, is what we do on what happens to us.

Papa and Tita came over last weekend to visit us. Our new manang also came along with them (since manang is already leaving to take care of his sick father). Actually nana is more appropriate since she is already 63 years old. Their visit was short because they had to bring home three derby cocks for my uncle back in the province. However short, I'd like to think that we made the best out of it. We had some fun watching videos of our Christmas and New Year celebrations as well as sharing jokes. It's always fun to bring out the human side of our parents, really.

When I was a child, I thought my parents were superheroes, that they never commit mistakes, that they don't feel anguish, becuase if they do, then they were not worth looking up to. As I grew up however, I realized how human they are, as I am. The more I realized that, the more I loved them, amid our imperfections and shortcomings. Indeed, maturity gives way to wisdom as time passes by.

My sister is also quite busy right now since it's examinations week at law school. She will be graduating this October and taking the bar in 2010. I know she can make it. She has big dreams and I pray she will achieve them in due time. I think our relationship becomes better and stronger each day. Even if we don't talk that much, I mean we don't say to each other what we normally say to our friends, but little gestures speak a lot. I love my sister. I hope she gets what she desires.

Mama already received confirmation of their 'forced' early retirement. She has been with her agency for more that 27 years already. She is sad but she already accepts the fact that she must let go. I believe her retirement from her agency will open new doors never imagined before.

As for me, I wanted to prepare my resume since last week but it has been put off several times. I believe the right time, the right opportunity and the right salary (:) will come. I know, the time will come.

Home Sweet Home

My family isn't perfect but I would love to bask in its imperfection...

I was rummaging through old files of mine to look for the resume I prepared when I was just a fresh graduate. I came upon a folder, a treasure chest of some sort, where I placed all the good memories of college life -- from my graduation programme, my all expenses paid trip to Bali, to my awards and recognitions received, personal drawings, pictures and my 'dream list' composed of 20 wishes, big and small. All these make me smile.

Included in this folder is an envelope containing the letters written to me by mama and my sister and my tita. Of course, I had the urge to read them once more after a long time. Life has not been easy for us, for me. It was indeed a roller coaster ride from being shortchanged by no less my high school rector, to having an inferiority complex come college (since I came from the province) and lots lots of confusion regarding my identity and sexuality. It was also in college that my lola (mama's mother) died. But, as I look back, I am thankful those things happened for now I am a better, stronger person.

Reading through the letters once again makes me glassy-eyed. It brings back the memories but more importantly, it makes me realize how blessed and loved I am. I love my family, despite everything. I will do anything to give that love back.

I miss the letters we write to each other. We usually communicate thru phone now. I just think that letters have a lasting impact and something which can be treasured as long as we live.

Indeed, it is always nice to be home.