Change

There is something within that bugs me every single day. Though I try hard to understand, I struggle with my thoughts, feelings and emotions. My mind flies without direction, to places where it leads, sometimes to destinations far and unknown. Simply put, I am confused. My world is confused. Change is happening - a good one I hope. 

In the many things that have happened in the past months or so, it seems interesting enough that I have still yet to pinpoint what it is that I really want or need or that which that would make me happy. In the process, I am losing a firm grasp of things, or my dreams and aspirations for the desires within no longer hold clarity or meaning. I wake up each day, only to see myself go through the minutes and hours searching for that which would be meaningful and purposeful. To my mind, my perplexity is something borne out of the fact that I am counting my days and trying to complete a picture which seems abstract at this point. 

I wonder where this would lead me. I may not understand the rhyme and reason to everything right now, but I know it is going somewhere, somehow. In the blank spaces of eternity, there seems a moment when the world becomes a void with nothing but the silence and the darkness that envelopes this stateless confusion. When confronted with choices, and when the choice is not too easy to make or accept, the world becomes a sea of tides and waves, without order but moving just the same. 

But the calm is in the eye of the storm - that place where silence is not void but serenity that calms the heart. I hear my heart beat as the silence grows deeper and stronger each stride in this vastness of creation. My eyes blink towards the horizon, where the seeming endlessness of space becomes merely imagination at the sight of land, however far or dim. The myriad I see in the desert sand brings back memories of castles and knights as they march in defense of a cause.

More than ever, I cherish being a child once again, when every song is a sweet lullaby, ready to let the innocence sleep in deep slumber.

I Choose Life

Today, 
I choose life.

I choose to live. 

I choose to face the world, 
stronger, better, fuller.

I choose love.

I choose hope. 

I choose peace. 

Today, 
the choice is mine. 

Turning Life

Emotional kaleidoscope. In so many ways, this describes my past few days journeying within myself and out. I felt like drowning myself in the pain, not really wanting to let go, hoping against hope that things will remain the same, more or less. But truth is, things are different now - and more than anything else, everything happens for a reason. 

I bask in the idea that this has to happen, that I will understand what it means to love, fall in love and fall out of love, to find my heart beating like nothing, and seeing it shredded into pieces. Love is an investment. As you see your stocks falling down, in all its volatility, we remain hopeful that all of these are only speculation. And then one day you realize, you've lost it. There is nothing more to gain but the lessons to be more prudent next time, to take calculated risks and to know one's risk horizon. 

Like the market, the uncertainty and unpredictability that comes with loving makes it more exciting. What can be more relevant than each day and each morning you wake up, there's the anticipation that greets you, waiting for a beautiful morning, telling of the feelings that now dominates your soul. But in the process, as you fashion your days and nights according to the beloved, there's a part of you that loses itself, in parts and parcels that sometimes can never be put together.

Yet these are the lessons you learn - to enjoy the feeling while it lasts but more importantly, to go beyond mere feelings and place oneself in a higher plane - a dimensional shift of perspective and of consciousness. To lose yourself in the process and not understand the transformations that are happening within your being is to forget the greatness that you are - alone in this vast space of creation.

The world is your stage - take advantage of the infinite possibilities there are.

The Power of Choice

Some say love is a feeling, others say it is a choice, I say it is both. It comes quite suddenly and rather unexpectedly, sometimes without sense or reason, sometimes confusing. 

LOVE is a process - a decision to choose to fall in love, a result of the push and pull of many factors. The level of uncertainty as well as the vulnerability it entails makes it something that is not worth rushing into. Some say actions speak louder than words. I say words should be spoken together with the action. 

Most of the time, reading between the lines poses more danger of misinterpretation. There's the thrill but there's the rub as well. People who are in love or are into falling in love tend to form opinions and try to justify rather than the challenge them. As a book I read on choice says, to make the most out of choice, we must make ourselves uncomfortable. 

I choose to discover who I am. And the choice to love someone is a path to discovering our very own selves. Yet the path is not too easy, sometimes, the mix ruble of emotions that we come to feel along the way makes the journey more complicated. The very dynamics of choice, especially in love, entails a gamut of decisions and vast possibilities of give and take.

Once a path is chosen, there is no turning back. And today, I declare to the universe...I choose the path to happiness, the path to freedom and the path to immense joy. I choose the path the love, to finding my peace and to finding my place in the greater scheme of things. Today, I choose the path to me. All else shall emanate from within...the joy, the peace and the serenity within shall overflow to all aspects of my life. 

Today, I choose the path to LIFE. It is worth living.

Lovestruck

I'm feeling mixed emotions. The last time I remember feeling this way was when I was in college, with the person who I have considered the first one to make me feel really special.  But then I was younger, naive at best, trying to rationalize more than cherish the moment. It took me years to really move on. And now, yet again, my rationalizing has gotten the best of me. 

I cherish the company, the conversations, the sweet nothings...I cherish the moments, the smile, the simple words...but more than anything else, I feel alive...life became more meaningful, the smile on me more beautiful. I'm confused, more than anything else, but I can't let go now..it's gotten complicated than I thought. I thought it was easy just to stay away and move on as I have always done but this is different...I'm feeling the pain, feeling the anxiety, feeling what I believe is LOVE...

The Prodigal

 

 

I feel quite miserable yet hopeful that things will change for the better. The emotional cycle I go through is quite unpredictable, from summit to trough, extremely at both ends of the spectrum. In light of various circumstances, I am still thankful of the fact that despite failures, mistakes and wrong decisions, I am being given the nth lease to life.

As I harbor these feelings, I savor, though reluctantly, the pain it brings; for only through suffering the pain that true joy arises. The picture of the prodigal son being embraced by his welcoming father brings me to a realization of how humanly possible unconditional love is; how humanly possible we fall into the quagmire of our own selfishness, and how humanly possible, despite our pride, we learn to humble ourselves before our defeat and failures. The magnitude of the frame of the human condition that the parable of the prodigal son succinctly captures brings humanity closer to the divine. For what is to love and forgive but divine.

I go through the depths of my being, knowing fully well how and why I have come to this point. Yet, I am not ready to face reality as it poses itself to me. The world as I see it, depends much on the creations of each and every mind that enters into time-space, being degenerated into the limitations of the material; the spiritual left to fend for its own. I wonder why in the magnificence of it all, there is a seeming lack that haunts my very soul, draining each and everytime whatever hope or promise there is. I harbor these feelings, knowing full well that these too shall pass.

As I open my heart in the words of men, I open my soul to the universe, to accept me as a newly born child, with my cries of dependence, excited about the first rays of sunshine to touch my skin or the first taste of human love. There is a wonder to it all and I savor new life, the new eyes, the new breath, when everything is new despite its oldness.

I speak to the universe, to carry me to its bossom, to bring back its prodigal son to its embrace, and rather soothingly, in all love, whisper in my ear, the gentle and sweet words," welcome back my child."

The Power Within

What of the power within, what of the hero inside, what of the divine in thyself. 

It is a liberating thought; a freeing idea, a breath of fresh air after a period of dreary melancholy. What of the power within, does give life to a death of existence, lived each day only to survive. Each day is a creation, of thought, of actions, of life. Each day finds meaning only because I have chosen to find meaning. Life is a choice, my everyday existence is a choice to live.

It is a choice to be happy. I am happy beyond measure for I choose to be happy. In everything, there is happiness, even in the most uncertain and unexpected of situations. Happiness begins within, from a self-fulfillment only you and I understand. The walls that were built by centuries of beliefs and traditions are walls penetrable not by resistance but by sheer understanding of the power within. The walls that divide between you and your happiness, between you and yourself, between you and your destiny, are walls readily  fallen by the might of your choice - to be happy, to be yourself, to fulfill your destiny. No one else can give you and I the happiness we desire. It is you. It is I. 

I shout it to the universe, I declare it to realms unknown, I surrender. I surrender to to the infinite possibilities of life. I surrender to the magnificence of it all, to the beauty of life still unbeknownst to men. I surrender to the magnanimity of the powers within and without, to the living vibrance and essence that makes grass grow, that caresses the blossoming flower as dew drops trickle to the heart of its beauty. There is something, someone greater than ourselves. I surrender. 

What of the hero inside, does brave the battles as opportunities to grow. I look for strength, but only within does true courage reside. The courage to rise above the din of the crowd, a crowd created by a multitude, a multiplicity of uncertainties and anxieties, a multiplicity of worries and denials. I rise above it all. 

I emerge victorious, broken yet whole, broken only to be re-born, only to find the self that has always been. I emerge free, flowing as the river flows into the ocean of my destiny.  I emerge free, blowing as the wind blows, around and to the nether lands.I emerge free, dancing to the music of my heart, to the tune of my destiny. I am free. 

I look at the sky above, in a moonless starry night. My heart leaps with joy, as I feel myself part of a universe, created to provide me everything I need and I ever want. As I look beyond the horizon, beyond that stars that twinkle in their solitary place, I find myself - among the stars, among the promise of hope and of life. As I sing my song, the tunes of the universe sing along. 

What of the divine!